Who doesn't like vegetables? you ask yourself. If you answered everyone, you are correct. Vegetables are the worst. No one likes them. People who say they like them are lying, possibly even to themselves*. In olden times, only the poor peasants ate vegetables, because the rich wouldn't touch them. Charlemagne, Louis XIV, Henry VIII, Elizabeth I, Isabella, Ferdinand, Frederick the Great, and so many other great rules knew what we all know but are ashamed to admit. Vegetables are terrible.
Vegetables are like the Saudi Arabia of the vegetable world. We don't like them, but we tolerate them. Why? Because they have something we need. Yes, vegetables, or at least the nutrients found in them, are necessary for our healthy existence. The food plate (formerly the food pyramid (formerly the food groups)) celebrates the nutrient delivery system that is the common vegetable and lauds its ability to increase the quality of our lives. I say that this is misguided, if not intentionally misleading. Like the precious oils of Saudi Arabia, maybe it's time that Americans wean themselves off of vegetables. It's time to find alternative sources of nutrients. In recent centuries, science has taken us from the moors to the moon, from malady to medicine, and from isolation to the Internet. Isn't it time that science rescued us from vegetables. Certainly the knowledge that can put robots on Mars can isolate nutrients well enough to sustain us.
I have theories on why educated societies still cultivate vegetables:
- Punishment
- The powerful vegetable lobby - these soulless fiends have convinced the entire civilized world that vegetables are the only way to eat healthy. These are the ones that cause us to lie to ourselves. They keep repeating the lie that vegetables are tasty, and they've repeated it so often, we're starting to believe it.
- Douchebags - somewhere along the line it has become trendy to cook with vegetables (oh for the days of Henry IV!) Douchey people cook with vegetables and swear to their deliciousness. Then they snort in derision at those that would dare question the epicurean values of vegetables.
The vegetable problem has been particularly poignant in the past few weeks. As my wife has been working most evenings, cooking dinner has become my responsibility. Although she has patiently listened to my discourse on vegetables, she has been too deeply influenced by the powerful vegetable lobby to allow me to abandon our legumes. This, however, has given me some opportunities to see the silver lining on the dark storm cloud of beans, tubers, and other weird foods.
Silver Lining #1: Vegetables are impossible to ruin. Overcook them, undercook them, light them on fire, freeze dry them, drown them in sauces, drop them in the dirt, do whatever you will, but there is absolutely no way to ruin vegetables. Last night, I let broccoli florets soak up way too much lemon pepper marinade. After that, I somehow burnt them while steaming them. The final result - broccoli. Just broccoli. In the best case scenario, in which I perfectly steam them and season them to perfection, they still end up tasting like broccoli. Vegetables cannot be made to taste better, nor can they taste worst. Their terrible taste is a constant in a sea of uncertainty.
Silver Lining #2: Vegetables are colorful. I know it's a trick. I know that a terrible taste lingers just under the surface of those bright colors, but God help me, they look pretty.
Silver Lining #3: Vegetables can be hidden. This might be the only good thing I can say about vegetables. They are bland enough to be covered up by better tastes. This is in fact the most common method of getting children to eat their vegetables.** Recent books have been written about how to disguise vegetables. Those authors are a credit to our species.
Silver Lining #4: I get a feeling of satisfaction when I cook healthy vegetables. This is because sometimes I am a douchebag. I am part of the problem that keeps vegetables alive. I chortle at people who snub my vegetables. I buy into the lie!
Despite the silver linings, vegetables are still an evil of which society should strive to rid itself. Here at the dawn of the third millennium, a time in which science has improved the lives of so many, humanity should not have to abide the culinary ills that are vegetables. I dream of a world in which my children, or maybe my children's children can get their nutrients, not through vegetables, but through something better - something much better.
* Some have stated that the lie one tells oneself is the worst kind of lie. I disagree. Lying to others is much worse. Get over yourself, anonymous quotation-giver!
**Children - God bless them. In their innocence, they are quick to point out that the emperor has no clothes. Parents have to force children to eat vegetables and have no problem lying to do so. "You can't even taste them," is only said about things that obviously don't taste very good.
